So, I spend a lot of my time lately trying to cope and not much time being fun and confident. I don’t really like this mode, for it wastes time I could spend just enjoying this life that is too short.
We went to playgroup today, as usual. The weather was nice enough that some people were even going to the pool with their babies! But for the most part, we convened outdoors instead of the large room that is fairly effective at containing Tristan. As a result, I spent a large period of time trying to keep him in an open area, which is code for running after him and bringing him back to where I left all of my shit and where people are hanging out. I felt myself getting very frustrated and I clipped on my sling, ready to enforce “stay with mommy” any way I could.
Someone intercepted me as I started preparing to flee and the next thing I knew, the other parents there were watching Tristan while I sort of huddled against a wall sobbing. I just felt so fucking tired, so defeated. I’ve got to face that this is my life. I will need to be a ninja to keep up with Tristan because I am utterly stumped at how to teach him not to run from me in general. I will have to train him to stay with me over time in each individual situation, at this rate.. just so I can let my guard down a little bit and have fun. Or have a chance to gather my belongings before Tristan is half a mile away.
A common observer would probably think that I spoil him. Technically, I do. I follow him when he walks off, because I don’t trust him to keep within a safe distance. He learns from this that he can run wherever the fuck he wants to and that mommy will be there. Getting mad at him has little effect other than to frighten him, so I try not to bother when I can control it. The situations where I do lose my shit are not situations we see behavioral improvement in. Time outs are only useful when they are used so he can regain control of his own emotions and stop screaming.
..as fate has it, I didn’t get as far as I’d like on this because of two phone calls and two instances of screamy baby during nap.