It’s not that I mean not to write here, but I’ve been spending far more of my free time actually communicating individually with people. That being said, I’m still way behind on that contacting people thing.

So, I’ve been bouncing this whole “possible autism” off of just about everyone I can think to bounce it off of. I’m coming to terms with the possibilities, the probabilities, and just daily life. I mean, what can you think? Your kid’s 18 months old and fairly normal but a bit of a weirdo.. and to be confronted with more than a slight possibility of him growing up needing constant care.. suddenly.. whoa. There’s grieving to be done. There’s begging and pleading and anger and sadness and it comes and goes. I am glad that there seem to be no threats on his existence at this time and hope that it remains that way – after all, autism is just a -difference-, right? Not like being given a death sentence..

I have always known that there is something “different” about Tristan. He is not quite like other kids. But I suppose what comes to my mind when I watch and interact with Tristan is that he is like US. He’s a geek kid. He likely does have some oddities but he’s a bright, curious, interactive child. He just doesn’t care about people like other kids do, or if he does, he shows it oddly. He IS AWARE of other people, and of walls that he comes about an inch from crashing into.. but his gaze does not show it. He sort of looks oblivious to a lot of what is going on around him and focused on something he’s interested in. He doesn’t stare at another kid playing with him (or even seem to LOOK or be aware) but he will suddenly negotiate for toys with other kids that he didn’t seem aware of and he’s usually fair about it.

This has actually helped James and I considerably. We get along very well, but there are times when either of us (read: usually me :)) will act snappily or seem frustrated by something inappropriately. We’re finding out that I can’t handle certain distractions well when I am already frustrated – specifically things moving in my peripheral vision and people needing my attention. A week ago, I would’ve tossed this blog entry aside while James randomly spoke to me and he’d be bewildered by my seeming anger at him. And I never was angry at HIM, but him speaking to me then drove me crazy. After our recent research into autism and sensory integration disorders, his reaction to such is to not be hurt but to understand completely.

I am at a point where I’m observing behaviors and hoping they are positive ones. I am scared every time I see a stereotypical atypical behavior – he got on his tiptoes tonight and it sort of spooked me, even though he was actually reaching up to get something higher than him. I am encouraged when he learns new things and he has been learning commands and words like crazy this past week! We’ve been making a lot of headway on the cooperative walking, even though he still LOVES to run and play hide-and-peekaboo.

Our evaluation is on March 22nd. I just want to KNOW what sort of life to expect. I know that we can’t really.. but we can have some reasonable approximation of our expectations, right? I need to know if this funny, bright, energetic child playing peekaboo with daddy right now is going to be suffering and miserable by his nature without anything I can do about it..