I’m about to take Tristan into this world of ours just like everything is ok, just like we did last week. But everything’s not as ok. I’m suddenly uncertain. What am I doing? Is this what is right for him? Does he even learn this way?

I had such a mindstorm yesterday that I don’t remember much of the day at all. I had lots of things I wanted to say.. to people who know us, to the world in general, to my family. Right now I am sort of blanked out, because it’s annoyingly early and Tristan woke up screaming. Thankfully, he’s settling back down again.

I appreciate everyone’s carefully crafted words of comfort. But please know this.. I am kind of socially awkward myself. I know you can’t tell that because I seem to be really friendly and happy and care for you a lot. But once I go to try to contact people, even my own family, something fails. Please continue to contact us. But don’t worry about the carefully crafted words. I specifically just want to be surrounded by life as it is and not by people tiptoeing and worrying what to say.

I repeat: if you have something you want to share whether that be “I noticed you and your kid doing some hand flapping” or “my kid just learned how to say complicated words” or “my relationship is doing horribly today” or “let’s talk about that health care vote.” Just please take the extra effort to tell me about your life and don’t worry about the words of strength. Or that I sort of suck at maintaining contact. That’s why I tell these stories via blog and not emails, anyway!

Anyway, a lot of what I think about is contrasting Tristan with other kids. The strange thing is that I really like him compared to other kids except when he’s just not interested in hanging out with me. I’ve been talking about these things I need to train him to do, like walking alongside me/us, and in some ways we have a free pass now. Who expects an autistic kid to be really good at doing shit like sharing and walking alongside a parent without extensive training by professionals? But the main point is for me not to stress out about it now and just go with the age he is..